Rambling

Hi everybody,

The following is a rambling.  You have been warned, ha ha.


START
I feel like I need to be posting at least one entry here a week so I can be consistent and have a better record of like my feelings and what I do.  Sometimes I'm at work and just wanna post a pic of my school lunch or something I find in my classroom, and so I do....sometimes...on Instagram or Twitter.  Maybe I should find a way to link that stuff better on here so you can see the updates here.  Then I wonder what even is the point of all these social media if I could just do it all here...but then I remember that blogs are definitely not as popular as those "fast food" types of media, so it's better to just keep doing the things the way I do them...but more often.  Then I wonder again why I have this obsession with putting my life online, and why should anyone care what I do here anyway?  And then I remember that not only do I want to have physical/digital proof of my life but also to kinda like serve an example as another regular human being that maybe someone out there can relate to, and then I can maybe *gasp* become friends with.

That's my other obsession.  I want internet friends....lol  But like really.  Real internet friends

But anyways, I can't even consistently choose which form of media I want to use as my main form of communication.  I want it to be here on Blogger, but I know I get more interaction on Twitter or potentially YouTube and Instagram.  And then, I still don't have a focus.  What am I trying to convey?  What am I trying to record?

I actually really like reading other people's blogs like this guy's.  He just writes so freely, and it's not even that complex or super-organized since it's a tumblr, but it's still cohesive and easy to start reading...but I can't find my flow.  I haven't found it in a looooong time.  I feel like I really had a groove in middle school and high school, but now as an adult (pushes up glasses arrogantly animu-style), I feel so bleh and purposeless.  What gives me life?  What do I want to share?

Recently, I've been watching BrizzyVoices, Noodlerella, and a few other YouTubers, and they're really inspiring.  They are so shameless, and I really admire them and love them for that.  They share all their passions and favorite things even if they might seem dumb to someone else, but what is life other than unabashedly enjoying what you like?  Why waste your time trying to impress people who won't accept you for who you are when you can be yourself and surround yourself with people who do and want to share all those things you like with you?

I really like cute games like Neko Atsume and Animal Crossing and anime and cartoons like Gravity Falls and We Bare Bears and Steven Universe and Shirokuma Cafe and Durarara! and TV shows in the vein of Parks and Rec, The Office, and Scrubs....  I want to make dumb videos about little things like school lunch and the demolition of a large building right outside my home (COMING SOON! btw), and I want to share what I'm currently reading, gaming, listening to, and watching.  I want to find people who also like them.  No offense to my current friends and loved ones, but I don't have that kind of buddy.  I'm so far removed from everyone, and I can think of only one friend who I can talk to about The Walking Dead, and my boyfriend tries to participate, but he is a man of few words (which I guess works out since I blab and blab, but I need someone to blab back at me so I can learn about new interpretations and opinions).

Which brings me to a thing.  I had a friend spend a week with me over winter break, and it was really really really nice.  I had so much fun.  We barely slept because of all the touristing and TALKING we did even when we got to bed at a reasonable time.  We talked about music and TV and games and our lives in Asia and our hopes and dreams and so many so many things.  It was so great.  I needed that "girl time," so to speak, really bad apparently.  And I realize that it's something I've been missing and wanting.  I think I really crave that kind of closeness and friendship and in-common-ness that I haven't been able to get since I moved to another country and keep "going out and meeting new people."  I put that in quotes because I know it's what people say to do to make new friends and to really experience life, but so far I feel like I haven't really had any luck in the true friendship category.  I have many many acquaintances and drinking buddies, but not like someone I really jive with.  I try really really hard to stay in regular contact with some of them and to learn about their interests so I can try new things and maybe connect better, but I feel so socially inadequate and awkward, and I feel like I'm trying too hard.  With my friend who visited, although we hardly chatted in the past two years, we got along so well and like picked up where we left off.  It was so natural and so easy.  I didn't feel like I was trying to be her friend or trying to make sure we got along.  I was really happy.

I keep reminiscing about the good times I just had with this friend, and I think it's a really nice feeling to enter 2016 with even though now my evenings are spent alone in my apartment.  I think we're keeping in better touch now since we got the chance to reconnect in person, which is also good.

Okay, I think I'm done rambling for now.  I should go back to studying kanji and looking busy at work or something.

P.S. - It's not that I don't know how to be alone and enjoy my one-person company because, trust me, I do lol.  With so many humans, I just wanna shaaaaaare.
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