So there's been a lot I've been thinking about, which is why I haven't posted things more effortful than Twitter stuff and a picture every once in a while on Instagram. It's a lame excuse, but these thoughts have been preoccupying my mind so much that it's when I have 5 hours before I need to get up to go to work that I feel motivated to do things. Quite counterproductive when you're a human who needs to sleep. Then the cycle of lethargy and sleep-deprivation begin and worsen with drunken weekends and/or bingeing on TV and karaoke til the dark hour. Anyways....
So I've been thinking about what it means to be a teacher and to want to be active online socially. As I'm in Japan right now, a lot of what I post online is in English and on social media that my coworkers barely know about. Some barely know how to use Microsoft PowerPoint, and some are just learning about Google Chrome if even that. My students are in middle school and are very unlikely to find my accounts. Aaaand, I have a very tiny tiny following if any at all. I feel like most people might like a thing I post, subscribe, and then forget to ever check up on me again. My fault though. I don't update consistently. And that's fine. I'm still figuring things out. So, what I post online isn't that significant to my professional career, and I'm generally pretty PG or PG-13 (at least, I think so). I need to actually check my history on all accounts and see if there is anything incriminating (nervous laugh), but I think on the whole if anything is even remotely embarrassing, I think it will be an older post and just proof of my growth since then (I hope, anyway).
I bring this all up because I want to share more of my life online.
I've lied awake late at night so many times wondering what is my obsession with wanting to put myself more on the grid and so that many strangers could learn about me and potentially judge me. There is quite a lot of negativity online, but at the same time, there are so many wonderful things online. I just think about my own case where I'm inspired by the strong women and men on YouTube who make videos on whatever they like because they don't care what people think and want to pursue their interests and dreams. I think about the countless creative minds who put out artwork and comedy and costume pieces on various websites from YouTube to Tumblr to Instagram to Etsy. I think about all the funny and uplifting Twitter accounts I follow. And most of all, I think what has been the biggest impact is being able to see the lives of everyday people with aspirations just doing what they do. Sometimes I feel so down or unsuccessful or boring, and I go to these people's videos or pictures or blogs or whatever they have, and it always makes me feel better to take in what they share even though I may never know them personally. I have no idea why other people's journeys interest and inspire me. Maybe it's a human thing.
I also recently watched a Women on YouTube panel from VidCon with Akilah Hughes and Anna Akana among other youtubers, and what they had to say about just doing you was really inspiring and motivational. I'm still trying to figure out what my thing is online, like what it is that I want to be about, and it was really nice to hear them say to just do it. The only way to get good at YouTube is to be honest and to make videos you like, and that maybe the first 20 will suck, but it's all about the practice and putting yourself out there. I think really trying the YouTube thing will help me to learn to accept things about myself and to push myself to improve what I want to make better about myself.
So the reason I'm even thought-vomiting about all this here is that my mind has also been preoccupied with what I want to do with my life. All I really know is that I want to be happy and to be able to be creative and make things and be able to travel and eat yummy foods aaaand to be able to share my life with others. I really enjoy being a teacher, and I really enjoy teaching and preparing lessons and materials and figuring out how to help children learn, but I wonder if by putting my honest self online, will I potentially make a terrible mistake? Like what if I put an opinion out there or maybe swear too much somewhere, and a student of mine or employer sees it and disagrees and then causes me to lose my job? But then again, do I really want to work in a field where I can't be myself and speak my mind? But then, teachers are supposed to be role models, and, especially in the case of young impressionable minds, it's very important how you behave in public....but I'm human.
Thus, I'm wondering if I even want to teach forever, or if I want to change careers, and if I do, what career do I want? Does it even matter? My goals include being happy and doing my hobbies and having loved ones to share it with. If my job can no longer allow my hobbies, then I can just move to a job that does or make one of my hobbies a job, right? It might suck sometimes and require enduring not-so-great jobs for a bit, but I think as long as I get to do what makes me happy, I'll be okay.
Man, after typing here and thinking things through, I think I feel better about what my next steps are. I definitely want to put myself online. I want to pursue my interests and find other people with similar interests so we can share what makes us happy. I also want to be a role model by just being a real person. I think maybe it would be nice if other people like me could see that they aren't alone just as other online personalities have done this for me. I want to contribute to the community I take so much from. Yeah! I'm feeling good about this.
This is about to be a really derp journey, but I hope I can achieve my goals and help other people at the same time. Let's do this!
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